Teacher Asks kids to have parents tell them story with moral
Parrot with no arms and legs in the Pet Store
Dear Santa Letters
When Santa runs out of Prozac……
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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Christmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
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Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How ’bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
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Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
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Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
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Dear Michelle,
It blows my ****ing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like “Chutes and Ladders.”
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
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Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
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Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-up? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
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Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
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Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
Timmy
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Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
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Dear Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
Homeless Mexicans
Two Mexicans are standing on opposite sides of the road, each holding signs. One keeps having cars stop and gets money, the other isn’t getting a single person to stop. Finally the one with poor luck says, hey, what are you doing to get all those cars to stop. My sign says how I am homeless and have no food. The other Mexican says, you are doing it all wrong, read my sign:
“I just need $10 more to get back to Mexico”
Another guy in a bar joke
So, the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink.
The bartender says “how ’bout a grasshopper?” So, the guy orders a grasshopper.
Then he’s walking home and along the way, he notices a grasshopper.
He says to the grasshopper “You know there’s a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper then says, “There’s a drink named Irving?”
Jesse Jackson turning white
Jesse Jackson wakes up and goes into the bathroom only to see in the mirror that he is white from the neck up. Afraid he was turning white, he immediately freaks out and heads to the doctor’s office.
“I don’t know what it is! I just woke up like this,” said Jesse as he tried to explain the whole situation.
After an examination and some calculating, the doctor leaves and comes back with a cup of brown liquid. “Drink this and you will be back to normal.” Jesse quickly grabbed the cup and chugged it down thankful that the doctor had found a cure. After slamming it, he made a blood-curdling face and yelled “That tasted like bullshit!”
“It was,” said the doctor, “You were a half a quart low.”
The blonde and the deodorant.
A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”
Human Miles per Gallon MPG
A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!
White Trash lady in Wal-Mart
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
She’s dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing worn out flip-flops exposing her cracked heels and filthy toenails.
When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you’ve got there. Are they twins?”
The woman stops screaming long enough to say,
“Hell no they ain’t!The oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the Hell would you think they’re twins?
Do you really think they look alike?”
“No,” replies the greeter, “But I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice.”